Crying Inside

Damn it. I'm going through it. To make matters worse, I'm at work. I have a lot built up inside. This month, specifically these next two weeks (into January) is a hurtful time, as is most of them, but this is worse. I lost my brother two years ago in December, and then I lost my cousin 6 years ago right after New Years. Ugh... How I wish I can talk to them again, let them know that I'm always down for them. Dreaming about them feels shallow at times. Like it's not enough time. I don't know. I really do not like to be the 'downer' of my family or friends or anything, so this is all I can really do to exhaust what is in my soul. This, and get away, like take my own private vacations. Gotta keep it movin in the work game though, so, I really can't afford to take time off right now. Anyways, the way I feel... I feel like pressure is just on my chest and I feel like crying, but I can't. It's like my brothers that passed are so far away and so long gone. Will this longing be forever? I think it will, otherwise how will I remember them? It hurts remembering, and yet while taking the pain I smile when I imagine them laughing or smiling or the days they were taken for granted. ~