I've finally made it to the age of 27. Honestly, I've never thought I'd make it to 27, let alone 24. Let alone, 21. I was always told by my parents to think ahead, dream and hope for better things, but the way my brain works, unfortunately or fortunately, I am not able to fast forward my memories to where I wish to be. I am always stuck in the here and the now. Look at me, I'm wording it as if is a negative, when I don't even know myself if it's a bad or a good thing. For all I know, not being able to see myself in the future is a blessing. I guess since I was always told to think in that forward fashion, and me being not able to do that, I felt bad, like I'm not doing something correct. I have created where I am and my life thus far, everywhere where I wanted to be, by making the necessary steps directions I needed to make. I'm not saying that I wasn't pushed down a road I didn't want to go down, or that I ran down a road of perfection either. I'm saying, whether I was aware or not, I had the power to change an outcome by saying yes or no, moving forward or sideways or calling in sick or getting out of bed.
I am happy where I am at 27 because of many factors: The pains and sorrows I had to go through and am going through; the people I have met, love, continue on with, help, and cut off; the music that's inspired me; my artistic releases like writing and drawing; the history of my ancestors passed down to me by my parents and grandparents; my passion(s); the fears that I overcame - those fears that paralyzed me from moving forward, and from slowing down my ambition. I am thankful for the killing off of those fears.
Strangely, when I turned 25, then 26, I felt somewhat 'out of range'. Like I am no longer apart of a certain demographic (maybe 18-24?) - It felt as if I am in the middle of something. Possibly I was a bit worried for myself, maybe because I began to question where I am in life and compare myself with others and just begin to shrink my esteem. That was never me to compare myself with someone or group of people and then begin to feel bad about it. Looking back, last year I was Not myself for many reasons -- the people or person I was around often, held my spiritual and emotional growth and I caught myself not being me. At 25/26, I felt as alone from categories - I guess this is where I felt it time to make Me. To make myself my own person as much as I can and start building from there. After feeling 'out-casted' and then spiritually stunted, I found it, thanks to friends and a couple of cousins, within me to cut people off and just enjoy being without them. It helped, and aside from this, it allowed me to appreciate who I am as I am, alone but not lonely. Alone is a great thing.
Being alone allows one to hear oneself out, learn about oneself - and one who believes they've had enough of them self isn't ready to leave that self-'spot'. They need to Love themselves therefore allowing them to see themselves in others (having that same care for others is that 'graduation' point). That's my opinion. That's how and why I can say, take it all from me, leave me stripped of it all in the streets with no one to help me up... and I'll for sure be able to get myself back to where I need to be. *knocks on wood that that never happens!*
Today, I can say I am here for my family and they can be here for me. Although i still have this attribute (or lack thereof) in me that still would rather turn down help, however I am gradually learning to accept gifts and welcome assistance when warranted. It's all growth and self improvement. -100
No comments:
Post a Comment