8mm Memories

Last night I was home chillin, enjoying the cool breeze after a long hard days work, cleaning and packing up ish from around the house, inside and out. Around 9-930p i went out to get some ice cream, and brought some back for my dad. My dad is, well, it's hard to explain, but growing up he wasn't around as much as he could have been - not that he wasn't present in my life growing up, I meant he was working All the time, like double shifts and weekends and training and yeah... he was not around all the time. I am blessed to have a pops in my life, and to share what he's shared, but we've always been distant, and I've felt like I couldn't talk to him about everything that I wanted to. Growing up, he was a very judgemental person, whether he knew it or not, he didn't mean to be that way, it just that 1. it's the only way he knew, and 2. he felt that there are right and wrong ways of doing things, and if you didn't do it the "right" way, you're completely wrong at it. When I was younger, of course I responded by trying to perfect my ways in what was supposedly the 'correct and only' way of doing things (and the subject I'm talking about is in general... brushing teeth to muthafuckin washing a car to um, using a fork, i don't know haha, everything...) - almost as if I was in the military.

Now I look back and I can say that I'm thankful for his insight; some people would hate a person for such forcing of the hand, such, and I don't mean to be disrespectful, ignorance, but I understand my pops when it comes to the life game, at least in the aspect of him raising me and my brother. His intentions were good, helpful and meaningful, but he actions were just, unorthodox... or hella old school haha. Anyways, back to last night. In my 26 years, my father has never once offered me something for the purpose of my kids, again, whether or not he intended it to be something to pass along, everything was always an offering to me, end of story. But last night as he was packing, he comes upon his old school 8mm film, than the playback thingy haha, the player for the film. He tells me he cannot fit it in his luggage and asks if it's something I want to keep. I tell him sure, and of course I need him to show me how to use it. I ask him to turn it on and play some film. So he becomes a kid and sets it up all right and. No picture. After a minute he makes some adjustments and we're set. Some blurry ish, but the projector is shooting light! So focusing fixes the issues, he turns down the light to make the moving pictures clearer (haha). What I experienced in those few minutes was something that I could have only imagined. It was my dad's trip back to the Philippines in the 1975. It was his first time back since he left in the early 60s to come to the States to meet up with his dad. But yeah, the film is from his old 8mm camera... no sound, just my dad with hella hair and hella skinny. Him, my uncles, my aunts and my older cousins as babies. The footage showed some scenes of my uncles, my lolo and my dad gettin down in the farm, using the caribou to plow the ground. Also, the river that runs behind the house he grew up in, and how wide it once was. I saw how the ground was once just dirt and mud, no pavement and concrete. Just reality, and it was beautiful. The color was not washed out - the green and brown of the fresh and dried grass was how I've imagined it. I was impressed to see how my dad was holding the plow down. He's a true farm cat, which is crazy to see this cat now and how he adapted when he came here... All those things were running through my head as I was watching the film. I saw their lil rhythmic walk they did during the planting of the grains of rice. I saw my pretty aunt when she was young and had probably a few years into marriage with my uncle, may she Rest In Peace :( , God I miss her... it truly is my own treasure that I hope to go to, if even to simply remedy my soul's need for reminders of where I come from, who was always there for me growing up and why I keep moving no matter what. A lot of people in the film had passed, pointed out my father.

Aside from the actual film, what my pops offered to me was the projector and the film And the actual 8mm camera he used to film the footage on. Some ancient equipment in these times of miniHD-handy cams, but it's something I will always treasure. I know the equipment won't last forever, so I will convert the reels to digital copies asap, but what he told me when he left them to me is something I will always remember. As mentioned, when he taught or gave me something, whether knowledge or skill or an heirloom such as this, he always just offered it as is, for me. Haha, but last night he was like 'make sure you take care of this, it's not just something...' classic dad talkin' like I don't know, like i'm a kid haha, but he stated 'it's something that you want to keep for your kids and your grandchildren...' I was like -damn-, he never said anything like that to me before. I am that type of person in regards to family, and everything he has shown me, or my moms, I have always soaked their teachings, their gifts and their stories, our conversations, in hopes to learn from them, as well as pass on or share with my next generations... It was just a shock to me that He said that. Right now, I'm the last person to carry on my name... I cried that night, I'm going to be real with you - I remembered a lot of things during my lifetime that has taken me to where I'm at now and events that shaped me and there are a lot of times I wish I would have pushed myself to learn more from other fam members, or talk to the young cat's about what I have heard. A lot of missed opportunities. I don't regret things too much, but if I could, I would try to talk to all of my cousins who are locked up right now about how important family is, the youth, not the close minded ignorant fam, but the youth that can make differences for their branches of fam, their siblings and what not, so they wouldn't have turned to alcohol or to crime to try and alleviate their situations. All my family, and even friends, that have died in the streets to some ignorant shit, how I wish I wasn't hesitant then or knew what I know now to try and sway their lifestyles or their plans to come up. I know I would have little effect, as people don't like to hear 'preaching' or say you tryna kick knowledge like I'm some Mr. Know-It-All, but still, it's just something I wish I could have talked to them cats about. I ended up lucky to have a pops and moms to enable my awareness of fam and more importantly the mind state of, not only what I do now affects My life and My future, but also it affects my future fam's lives and opportunities.

Ever since I became the last person in my fam to carry on my line, it has became deep and dear to me to learn as much as I can about my family. I am out there talking to my grandmothers from both sides about their grandparents or how things used to be for them, how their spouses (my grandfathers) grandparents were if they knew them, it's all a personal mission, hopefully one day I can document it, but more importantly, I can stay well enough in this hard ass world, to one day share it with my grandchildren... and If that never comes, I'm always open to share it with any of the new generation family members. Not everyone has this strong sense of family, and that's understandable, but I simply believe the reason I hold it so close to me is simply, if it weren't for the actions of my father, or my father's grandfather or my mother or my mother's great grandmother, I wouldn't be where I am and Who I am. Not that they shaped my personality, they shaped my destination(s), as if I was destined to be where I'm at, so I respect their choices and show tribute, nothing more. I'm simply keeping it moving for them, and hope those gone can feel that I'm keeping it movin for fam, and if for no one else, myself. Yeah, sorry, it got kinda deep for watching 5 minutes of lightweight old footage and having a 3 minute old, judgemental conversation with my dad hahaa. -100