Slanguage

Sometimes I wonder if I should be attempting to learn my father and mother tongue. I am half Mexican and half Filipino and cannot carry on a conversation in either language. Do I blame my parents? Partially, but honestly, it's not their fault after I was able to attend community college haha. I could have easily signed up for a class and made things happen. I do not feel like I'm lacking anything, strangely.

I mean, some say I am missing a huge chunk of my cultural heritage. I don't believe so. There are hundreds of languages out there, but other forms of communication have brought me deeper understanding and respect and love than words or verbal explanations could have provided. That is, in regards to my heritage. I am Town'd out to the fullest, that is, I am about coming from the bottom and getting what I can based on my own mistakes and learnings and my drive. My ability to adapt to situations and environments. Growing up in this 'prison' if you will, allowed... no forced me to be sensitive, and understanding of my environment(s).

Now, about those who question my 'culture' and how un-Filipino or un-Mexican I am, all I can say is simply I am glad I am not one or the other, I am happy I grew up where I grew up: Oakland, and in the Philippines. Every summer damn near since I was 4, I was blessed to fly out there with my dad to visit the fam. Every time I visited I had the blessed opportunity to chop it up with the people there. My fam, their friends, who eventually became my friends, and had the chance to Feel their pain, their happiness, experience the differences between concretish, grimy ass Oakland versus war torn (social and militant) parts of the Philippines, etc., I may not know tagalog or tagalog expressions and what not. That's the truth, and yes it is unfortunate. I just feel all the time I spent in the Philippines, being with the people and my fam and not just visiting tourist attractions and malls and shit, have helped me become more in touch with what being Filipino is really about. I am proud to say I was taught the essence of farming, even if it was the basics, how the seasons change there, when and where and what was grown during which times of the year, and how farmers rely on the weather in general. Not just the science behind it, but the virtue. When I was younger, I rode the water buffalos, I played in the rice fields, climbed freakin coconut trees, swam in those brisk rivers, caught grasshoppers and dragonflies, visited deserted volcanic beaches and white/black sand beaches alike. I tasted everything I was offered there at least one time or another. I went into bat-filled caves, sat and watched my lola and other old folks weave beautiful crafts and mats using palm leaves and such. I avoided a sea snake, one of those white/black banded ones you see on the Discovery channel. I swam/snorkeled with thousands of tropical fish above rainbow colored coral, even though I was scared as crap. I built computers and fixed computers out there in preparation for some kids counterstrike tournaments. My weak ass got schooled in basketball with my cousin's friends. I have driven in the traffic of Iloilo city. On multiple occasions I've stood atop red ant mounds where I was stung the eff up. I liked a few girls out there. I've experienced the hopelessness. I've walked up a mountain to a mountain-top tree farm. I've taken a shower under a waterfall. I've rested in a tub of hot spring water. I've had a couple of fights out there (in which I lost). I've gambled and bargained out there. I've experienced the dead end of education there. I've experienced poverty and discrimination through my family there.

I've cried lifting off of the ground, flying away from my father's country. I've done a lot in those fields and streets. I don't mean any disrespect to my peers or fellow Filipino's here in the states, but when they say Filipino this or that, I feel uneasy inside, wondering if they have really seen both the joy and pain of what is really involved in being Filipino. I know I am not a lost son of my tribe, and that my grandfathers before me would be proud I have experienced the harsh realities of my people. Farming in order to live and living off of the land is not something that I would have understood; I am blessed my pops came here, so blessed. I say, keep the one of a dozen languages from the Philippines, as beautiful as they are, they will never replace the amount of living I have gotten a chance to do there. It's not the food or the language or the comedy that affiliates me to PI, it's the struggle, it's the family, and it's the love I have for the land.