I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three.

Damn, I don't ever think I'll be an equally balanced person, in terms of self-emotion, or at least I don't feel it anytime soon. There are days where I'm happy cause I'm here, living it up as much as I could with no worries. Then there are days that something just sparks a deep memory about my brother. I just wanna break down and punch the fuckin floor with all of my might. I am not mad at anyone... I simply only question things, but know and understand that answer will come when they come. I am patient.

As me, just simply, whole-heartedly, honestly me: I miss my little brother greatly. He was my greatest motivation through the hardest and darkest of times. What I've done and what I've accomplished was all in hopes that one day WE can have better than what we were born with. Our family fell apart before our eyes and together we stood to say fuck it, let's do us and keep it moving for what we believe in and can produce together, and make our families better than what we've experienced. Even if our dreams were far-fetched, we still reached and dreamed higher than the sky. I have no regret for investing my soul into my bruh. It's not something that I feel stupid for doing such a thing... The love and the hustle that I stood for, got me this far; somewhere I never dreamed of being.

It's very hard at times doing anything, and even though he passed away almost 2 years ago, honestly it's hard because whatever I do the memories are still that fresh. Although the memories tear at me and make me tear up and just miss him so much, I stand there and take it. I never want to forget, so that is why I say I don't think I will be emotionally balanced anytime soon. I don't know if I want to.

I always see his face when I close my eyes, and there is nothing I can do about it. I can still feel his big hands and his curly hair and his fast but feint pulse while I was in the hospital by his side with my family, watching the doctors and nurses do what they could to make him last. Damn.. My beautiful lil baby brother that had grown to be taller than me, that I was there for when he came home from being born as a lil fresh newborn baby until December 2007, time just dissipated in a flash.. Not wasted, but there are so many things that we hoped to do, whether it be for ourselves or for others, all but gone in 1 day in the ER. While folks were praying for him to awaken or survive, I was praying for his happiness, as weird as that may sound - if in his sleep, in his state, he was offered the gifts to either stay or leave this physical place, I was stating I'd be happy with whatever he chose would make him happy. Early on at the hospital, a priest was available to give him his last rights... and at that moment, not that I lost hope, I thought about that being it, my brother is leaving in such a glorious way. As much as my family or parents asked for his life to be spared, I know it was up to him. If this is it, it's only up to him. But at the same time, I was hating the above... asking why would he or I or my family be put into this situation? Why must I learn something from this horrible 'test'? His soul, his being should not have been here to be involved in something I should learn from. Fuck that... Yeah, but I check myself from being selfish and remember my original intent, selflessness. I was asking for me to be traded in his place in those moments. I was willing to be out for our situations to be swapped. Man... I still feel that way today (and dream of this opportunity). If I were given the opportunity to trade situations, I would instantly with no hesitation lay down for sureness of his well-being in the physical. But I always end up thinking, maybe had a choice to stay and didn't accept that offer. One of these days I will have my answers, but until then, I just do what I do in hopes that my happiness and experiences are shared with him. I keep it movin' for him.